The Age of Innocence

The Age of Innocence-
To Newland, Love May


I ignore the unpleasant,
I act in all the appropriate ways,
I am a woman of 1877.

I follow the social etiquette.
I am from a rich and powerful family.
And I seem to be hardly aware of my limitations.

I am what you want.
I am innocent.

But you are naive.

I may ignore the unpleasant,
But I still see it.
I may act appropriately,
But I can see the look in your eyes-

The spark that lights when you see her.

But I know my limitations and their advantages.
It's you that is innocent, Newland.
Innocent to think I am not aware.

I gave you the chance to leave
and now it's too late.
Part of ignoring the unpleasant is destroying it.

Thank you for cooperating.
It's for the good of our family.
Sentiments must be preserved.

And I am a woman of 1877.
And Old New York is gone.
And the facade of the new has been put on.

It's called The Age of Innocence.

When You Shine, I Come Alive

Last week at the high school youth group I help with, we sang a worship song in which the chorus goes: "When You shine, I come alive. I'm on fire for You. I'm on fire for You."
As I sang that I thought to myself, when do I see God shine? I saw God shine in Ukraine. Easy. It's amazing how we open our eyes to see God's work, when we are in a different place or country.
But have I seen God shine here? Have I looked?
A couple of weeks ago I was reading an update on my dear friend Amy as she goes through this ridiculous battle of healing. It was a relatively encouraging update because she is healing, but there are some complications with the medicine and some other thing that I don't understand. Granted, I was a little emotional that night, but as I was talking to my mom about it on the phone, I couldn't stop crying. This isn't fair that this is happening to Amy and her family. My mom kept saying, "God is going to use this" and "We can't see how God is using this yet". I wanted to scream "I'm sick and tired of God 'using' crap situations!" I thought: God can do good things and use other situations with out putting Amy and her family through all of this.
When You shine, I come alive.
In reality, my mom's right. I could only see the negative in this situation. God can and will use this for something good. Even if I never see the good of it, I have to trust Him. And when I think about how Amy and her family have to trust Him even more than I do and how she is so amazing in doing that, I just feel ridiculous.
I have to seek God to see Him shine. I have to look for it. If I keep myself buried in the negative aspects of life, with out looking for the potential of God's love, I'm not going to see it. And I'm not going to come alive. Christ is what makes me alive and by seeing his work around me I can begin to live to my full potential I have been created for.
Whatever is going on around me, if I seek God and continue to try and see his abounding love in all situations- I'll come alive. Because

I wanna burn bright like a star in the night.
Fall fall and surrender it all.
Sing awhile and believe like a child.
I just want to be your reflection.
When you shine, I come alive.
I'm on fire for you.
I'm on fire for you.

May we seek to see God shine in all situations and may his love overflow out of our lives onto others. May we come alive in Christ. Amen

Before I forget

There are a couple stories from Ukraine that I have to tell before I start talking about getting back into life at Point Loma.
They're both short but were super impacting for me at least. They are two huge reasons while I believe that it is so important and beneficial to return somewhere.
The Sunday we came back to Kiev, after camp, we went to our host Andrey's apartment for his home church he had started. One of the girls that came happened to be a girl that went to Odessa with me three years ago. Walking back to the metro I got to catch up with her a little bit. When we were in Odessa together we went and visited a group of boys that lived on the street. One of them had to be taken to the hospital because he had pneumonia. The next couple days we were there, we visited him in the hospital. His name was Sergei. He was eighteen at the time, I think. Anyways, while I was talking to Anya she asked if I remembered him. When I said yes, she told me the rest of his story. After he got out of the hospital he went to live with the woman we stayed with while we were in Odessa, Nathalia. He ran away from there once and returned. He then went to rehab for a while. But now, Anya says that he is doing well, a Christian and married with a kid. How great is that? So often do we meet someone and never get to hear what happened in their lives. God is so amazing and I feel so blessed that I got to hear Sergei's story.
The other story I'm going to copy out of my journal.
"On Wednesday our last day with kids at the park [in Kiev] went really well and I got to see Andre, the boy I went to Odessa with three years ago. He's grown up so much! He is so funny still and I am so happy I got to see him. Funniest thing he said was when I asked him 'so what have you been up to the past three years?' and he replied 'well the day after you left I woke up and felt like P Diddy'. [for anyone that doesn't know- that was a Ke$ha reference] The most impacting thing he said: "Everyone always says they are going to come back and they never do."

I didn't write anymore about it in my journal, but he went on. He said at when he first saw me, he didn't think it was actually me because he couldn't believe I came back. He said, "People shouldn't say that they will come back if they don't mean it. I know people just say things but still." I am so grateful that God is amazing and allowed me to come back to this country.
I didn't say I would come back when I left this time, but I really want to. I pray that it works out that I am able to. These stories are reasons why I think it is important to return to countries after mission trips. Right now my church at home is working on building a relationship with Haiti and going on trips consistently. I think that's awesome. Building relationships with our brothers and sisters in Christ around the world is not only important, but really a blessing to us who are visiting. It is a beautiful feeling to worship with others half way across the globe.

On Being American in Ukraine.

"You Americans smile too much." - Philip Masyuk
This Ukraine trip was not my first time out of the country. It wasn't even my first time to Ukraine. In my travel "experience" or whatever you want to call it, it's not a new thing to realize how loud we are as Americans. Going on the tube in London with a group of Americans was one of the most embarrassing things, but after a few weeks there we blended in like anyone else on the tube. Maybe we just weren't there long enough, but it would definitely take more than a few weeks to blend in in Ukraine (I mean not even thinking about the whole language barrier thing). My quote from Philip is a perfect example. Apparently, we smile too much. And besides being too loud, which is just a given where ever we go, we also greet people too friendly? That was probably one of the funniest things to discover. After playing with kids in Kiev for the afternoon we walked to our host Andrey's apartment to have dinner. As we walked in we greeted his wife in a normal way. "Hi Marina! Oh my gosh this smells so good [dinner]! Thank you!" etc. And I noticed Victor mimicking us. "haha Are you making fun of us?" I asked. He just laughed. He was! He then later explained how they thought that was so funny; how we greet so enthusiastically I guess. Which we do but I would say it's funny not to great with a smile.
That's not the only thing that makes us stand out. Apparently we just look American. I don't really know what that means, but we do. While taking a walk in the village we went to, Vapnarka, we passed by a wedding. The band was playing and people were dancing and as we walked by a band member said into the mic "Helllooo Americansss!" I mean in that case we were walking in a small village in a large group and stopping to stare at the wedding- so that may have given us away. It was funny anyway.
Fortunately for us, the kids love the "Amerikanskis" and being American was an automatic cool in their minds. I don't know how I feel about that and I don't think I want them to think I'm awesome just because I'm American, but without that, we wouldn't have been that big of a help on this trip- at least not the three days in Kiev between camp and Vapnarka.
During those three days we went in the afternoon to this area where there are a million tall apartment buildings to play with kids. The first day there we set up some crafts started playing and the kids just started coming. It was crazy and so cool. By the third day they were waiting for us, running and saying "Amerikanskis!!" When we left a few followed us to our bus to see us off. They were so fun and so cute. I hope that they do end up going to the kids club that our hosts told them about the last afternoon we were there. My friend from the last time I came to Ukraine came with us the last afternoon, and he told me how his girlfriend told him that she remembered when she was six years old some Americans, like us, came and played with her. She's 18 now and she remembers when she was six Americans came. To think that these kids are going to remember us 12 years from now is crazy and I hope I remember them 12 years from now too. Maybe I won't remember their faces or names, but I will remember them and Ukraine. This was not my last time coming to that country.

From Da To Ja

I'm going to take a quick break from the topic of Ukraine and write post I wrote in Germany.
August 10, 2011
Arriving in Germany I had plan A, B & C. My hopes were for plan A, but I had a bad feeling that they weren't going to work out. Plan A was my former foreign exchange student, Joana, would meet me at the airport and I would spend a fun 2 1/2 days with her and her friends- all of whom I love and miss. But being in Ukraine with out any contact with anyone for three weeks, I had a feeling the lack of communication was too long and she wouldn't be there. I was right. Plan B was Kinsey's former exchange student, Nadja. I had her number and tried to call her cell phone from the airport, but it was early and she didn't answer. Plan C- Will and Braden (two guys from my Loveworks team also staying in Germany for a couple days) get stuck with me. So I went with them. We randomly took the correct train and got to their hotel easily. Then with no sleep, except for a couple hours on the plane, for over 24hrs we scoured the city of Frankfurt, occasionally checking facebook on Will's iphone to try and contact Nadja or Joana.
So the story with Joana is confusing and I wish I handled it better towards the end, but I was exhausted. According to Joana she thought I was getting in the day before and was leaving for Atlanta for 2 months the next day, but I could hang out in Frankfurt with her for awhile (she would drive the 2hrs our there). By 3 she was in Frankfurt and I had just gotten back to the hotel from the zoo with the guys (random I know, but yeah I've been to the Frankfurt zoo). I was exhausted and felt like there was no possible way I could go figure out the subway system and find Joana and her boyfriend downtown. So I told her she had to find me-- and I was a little feisty about it, so it didn't go over well and she stopped talking to me. I feel bad because I really did want to see her and meet her boyfriend. Hopefully she forgives me.
After taking a nap I got a hold of Nadja as she got off work. I was able to take a 20min train ride out to her and she picked me up. Nadja to save the day! I'm so glad it worked out. They guys were so nice, but I would have felt really bad if I had to stay with them in their two bed hotel room.
So now I am writing this down [originally] in Nadja's sister's (Bianca) history class. Nadja had to work so I cam to school with Bianca. 11th grade- German high school. I've always said 17 was my favorite age. I have no idea what's going on, but it's funny. Tonight Nadja doesn't get home until 8, but then we are hanging out with her boyfriend so that will be fun. Then tomorrow I go home.
God really did work things out for good over all- though I'm still sad about not seeing Joana, Johannes, Christoph, Louisa and Stefan. Again I hope this doesn;t ruin mine and Joana's friendship. But I praise God for Nadja and her family's kindness and hospitality. I'm excited to go home tomorrow and sleep all day Friday. Not only will I be physically exhausted, but I know I'm going to be emotionally exhausted as well. I already miss Ukraine and the people and kids there.

The Three S's

August 21, 2011
If you like sweating, squatting, and sunflowers, Ukraine is the place for you. After two days in Ukraine that included a 14hr train ride- I've gained some knowledge. First I realized/ remembered exactly how much I sweat in Ukraine [substantially more than any other place I've been]/ how much people in general sweat in Ukraine. We spent the morning in Kiev and we were told it was in the high 80s with 90% humidity. It felt like a hot day under a crappy swamp cooler. We had our "orientation" with Cliff, which pretty much consisted of him scaring everyone about the train ride and how hot camp was going to be/ how horrible the food is. And then it was time to hope on the train. Ten Americans plus one Ukrainian with their own bags plus nine big duffel bags full of games and crafts was nothing short of comical to see try and get in and settle in with out causing to much of a disturbance. The first 5hrs of the train ride was like a sauna. I literally repeated in my head over and over "It's okay to be sweaty, you're okay being hot." I also tried to hold my pee, but 14hrs of staying hydrated also means bathroom breaks- and the bathroom on the train was not pleasant. The first time I went it was no big deal (successfully squatted etc). But apparently they don't like to change the toilet paper roll, because at 4:25 am after 2hrs of trying to hold it and go back to sleep there was none to be found. Our train got in at 6am and the train attendant guy enjoyed watching us try to get all our luggage off as quickly as possible. I don't blame him because we were all laughing as Craig chucked duffel bags in Katie's face for a quick exit.
By 7:30 am we arrived at camp exhausted for a full day with kids. Luckily the kids are adorable because let's be honest if they were ugly... [** I can't believe I actually wrote that] But seriously they're great. We felt like it was noon when we arrived so a breakfast of sausage and boodles was as bad as it will be tomorrow morning. After breakfast was murky water, seaweed excessive sea time. The water felt great, but trying to rinse off the sea weed afterwards- not so much. I thought sand was bad. But the kids loved us and despite the language barrier most of them are not shy. After swim time it was lunch and quiet time. Though we should have spent more time thinking up how to teach English, a nap seemed much more necessary. I was OUT. A fact which also didn't help the 2 sec before prep of English. We all aught and it went...ok. But we've talked and it will improve. Our translator, Masha, gave us some ideas too. Then it was games and then free time. Dinner was actually not bad, but chapel was probably the hardest thing. We thought we were told to sit amongst the kids- so we did, but we didn't have anyone to translate that way. You try staying awake in a hot room listening to Russian. Now we wait until 11pm for a staff meeting. Andrey (our "host", he picked us up and has taken us everywhere) showed us where to get ice cream. Maroshena. And now we are trying not to fall asleep before the meeting.
oh I forgot to mention the sunflowers on the way into camp. Like an ocean of yellow. Beautiful.

This Is Going To Be Explicit

August 20, 2011
"I feel like I have "TD", but we haven't even T'd yet."- was my probably infamous quote before we even got to LAX. Fortunately that has not been the case and on an 11hr 40 min flight to Munich I only got up to use the bathroom once. After traveling for 15 hrs we arrived in Kiev 25hrs later. The trip was long, but I slept a decent amount on the plane. We stayed at the Kiev Ministry Center/ Kiev First Church, where I stayed a couple nights three years ago. Dejavu. After showering and crawling onto the foam mattress to go to sleep 2hrs passed and a thunder/ lightening/ rain storm started. Needless to say I didn't sleep well last night. It's now 8:09 am and there's really no going back to sleep for me. This morning our tasks include looking through the 9 duffel bags of supplies we brought and deciding what to take to camp. We then eat lunch and have "orientation"- which is what Cliff Wright called it. He is one of the American missionaries here- I actually met him last time too. Around 4pm we hop n a 14hr- yes 14- train ride to camp. My expectations of the train ride come from my 12 hr Ukrainian train ride experience. Effing hot. But it will be an adventure. We arrive at 6 am and since the camp started yesterday all the kids will already be there. This going to be an exhausting trip, but I'm pretty excited. I'm also hungry so it's time to put something decent on and go eat.

What's To Come

So I'm finally home from my Loveworks trip to Ukraine. It was an amazing experience and will take more than one blog post to do it justice. The first couple days I wrote journal entries that I will rewrite on here and then I wrote one in Germany as well. After those I think I'll just sum up some of the things I'm processing now. So much to process as I get back to my life at home and then go to school. But for my three occasional readers (one being my mother) this for you to know what will be posted in the next couple days.

"The Notion of Divine Control"

I leave for Ukraine Monday morning. First I head down to SD tomorrow morning to meet up with everyone. The Haiti team from Oroville Church of the Nazarene leaves tomorrow as well. Most people who will read this know Amy Hayse and all that is going on and I'm sure a lot of the people going to Haiti are hesitant to leave while she is still in the hospital. At least that's how I feel. I know that I don't make a difference at all, but it's a scary situation and being so far away, not being updated on what's going on is going to suck.
This morning I read an entry from My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers called "The Notion of Divine Control" and I want to share it. It is perfect. I should really stop being amazed when God gives me stuff like this because of course he would. But I'm still amazed every time. So I'm just going to copy it word for word because Chambers puts it in a way that I can't.

"The Notion of Divine Control"
"How much mores shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask Him?" Matthew 7:11

Jesus is laying down rules of conduct for those who have his Spirit By the simple argument of these verses He urges us to keep our minds filled with the notion of God's control behind everything, which means that the disciple must maintain an attitude of perfect trust and an eagerness to ask and to seek.
Notion your mind with the idea that God is there. If once the mind is notioned along that line, then when you are in difficulties it is as easy as breathing to remember- Why my Father knows all about it! It is not an effort, it comes naturally when perplexities press. Before, you used to go to this person and, that but now the notion of the Divine control is forming so powerfully in you that you go to God about it. Jesus is laying down the rules of conduct for those who have His Spirit, and it workds on this principle -- God is my Father, He loves me, I shall never think of anything He will forget, why should I worry?
There are times, says Jesus, when God cannot lift the darkness from you, but trust Him. God will appear lie an unkind friend, but He is not; He will appear like an unnatural Father, but He is not; He will appear like an unjust judge, but He is not. Keep the notion of the mind of God behind all things strong and growing. Nothing happens in any particular unless God's will is behind it, therefore you can rest in perfect confidence in Him. Prayers is not only asking, but an attitude of mind which produces the atmosphere in which asking is perfectly natural. "Ask, and it shall be given to you"


Perfect for me this morning. Perfect for the situation around me. Perfect for life. God is so good and knows exactly what we need to hear.

This has been a long time coming

I have to write my testimony for two things now. I'm not sure I ever said that I had to write it in the first place on this so that sentence doesn't make that much sense. But I have to write it for two things now. 1 First and foremost...Loveworks. I was supposed to write it like a month ago. Which I kind of did, but never turned it in so I think I'll just redo/update it. 2 I'm applying to be a camp counselor for jr high camp. wahoo!
Anyways I like writing reflectively the best on this thing. I don't know why. So I guess I need to talk about where I'm at now, spiritually. Physically, I'm at home in bed, just having woken up from a nap- typical.

This last semester went by quickly slow. I could not wait for it to get over, but I guess, towards the end, it started to turn around because there are some aspects of SD that I really miss. Dream time at Pastor Dee's house and helping out with high school youth group and hanging out with Wendy Kessler being three. And those three are the big three that kind of turned my semester around.

Like I've talked about, I was in a bit of a fog this semester. There were questions that came up that I thought I knew the answer to and now I don't. And once I became relatively ok with not knowing the answer to one thing, or having faith in a certain situation, something else came up. I had a bit of an identity crisis. At Point Loma it felt like everyone had these huge plans to save the world. Someone was going to Uganda, another wants to be a missionary, another wants to counsel women that have gotten out of sex trafficking. And here I am a literature major, loving what I am learning, but desperately wondering how I can make a difference in the world with my knowledge of when Charles Dickens wrote Hard Times. (1850).
I felt cheated by God. To be completely honest I was a little upset with Him. Why did he give me this desire to help people and then make me love a major that the only thing I can do is teach high school? Why was he surrounding me with people doing all these great things and giving me no direction as to where I was needed? It wasn't fair. I love people, I love culture, I love learning about them, I love stories. But I'm no counselor, I'm no social worker, and I'm no international studies Mother Theresa. I'm not even a journalist. So what am I?
As I was struggling with this I talked to one of my mentors, Wendy Kessler. She kind of put things in perspective for me a bit. She told me what of course I already "knew" but needed to hear: that it's a matter of the heart. If you have a servants heart, then where ever you are God can use you. I walked away from our coffee meeting that morning chewing on that and trying to keep that in mind. And then the next week at Church Pastor Dee said something that really encouraged me. He said "Don't stop reading, don't stop searching, don't stop believing because Jesus is doing something". So that's what I'm going to do. I am going to keep reading God's word, keep believing that he will open the doors to what He wants me to do with my life, and keep searching for what that is.

another assignment.

Again, I don't know how well this fits the genre (supposed to be surrealism), but this is what came. It kind of reminds me of Rumi. Maybe just because I wrote "And I am so small"-- he writes "I am so small, I can barely be seen".

As I come to the table
I find that I am unable.
The legs are too tall
And I am so small.

In solitude I call out.
Thinking no one will hear my shout.
I am picked up
and I can take the cup.

mewithoutYou loves Rumi

There are so many things going on this week and so many things that could be said. But because I can not tweet there is something that I want to share, but can't think of any one who cares enough to share it with.
I've been reading poetry from Rumi for my world drama and poetry class and I found a poem that said "I need more grace than I thought" and I was like huh, that's a line in a mewithoutYou song. Then as I was reading more I saw a poem that said "I am so small. I can barely be seen. How can this great love be inside of me? Look at your eyes. They are small, but they see enormous things."
That is one of my favorite mewithoutYou lines ever. They took it from Rumi. This makes me want to go talk to them about Rumi and how cool some of his poems are.
Anyways- that was the point. mewithoutYou loves Rumi and loves to quote him and I feel really smart for knowing that.
Not being able to tweet that almost killed me.

I think I have ADD

So I am trying to write this analysis on Hard Times by Charles Dickens, but usually when writing papers I write for a bit, then go look on Facebook for a distraction. Well I gave that up for Lent along with Twitter- so because I can't stand to look at my paper for more then ten minutes, I'm going to go back and forth between it and this.

I got back from spring break last night at 11pm. I hate that long drive, but if it must be done at least it was done with three other friends. But that's not what I was thinking as I was getting ready for bed last night.
It went more like: I have so much crap to do. I'm so tired. I want to go back home. I hate school. I wish I wouldn't have wasted my whole day in a car.
But there were benefits in my staying so long in Oroville. Dennis' sermon was a big one. He talked about having questions that we can't find the answer to and having faith. Sound familiar? Well it does to me- seeing that the question of faith has been a big one lately. He even used the same verse I used while giving my testimony during half time at a couple Upward games. Hebrews 11:1- Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you can not see.
Dennis ended with pointing out that we need to desire God more than the answers. God can see the answer to the problem that we are facing- and it takes faith to focus on Him instead.

This morning I had a hard time getting up- like most mornings. But because I couldn't get distracted with Facebook, I was able to have some devo time. God convicted me of searching for answers by asking every wise person I know, but not spending time with Him in the Word. I still think it's good to ask people who are farther along the road then you and reading Christian books, but when it comes down to it- I need to spend time with God: the one that actually knows the answer. Simple, but easy to forget.

On an encouraging note- I got a bunch of donations for my Loveworks trip in the mail. I cannot express how blessed I am to live in such a generous family and Church family. I am amazed and know not what to say. (that's a line from a movie- I don't talk like that).

And so my paper is finished and so am I. I had an amazing spring break and really do wish I could go back, but I'm here and going to make the best of it by spending time with God.

Epiphany.

I drop things. I lose things. I forget things. Constantly.
Jesus never drops, loses or forgets me. Ever.
That's big.
That's Love.
That's God.


May you find peace and rest in that beautiful truth. Amen.

Faith in the fog.

People talk about how it is difficult to have faith in darkness- when you are going through a hard time, your heart has been broken etc. And I agree it is. But I would argue that it is harder to have faith in the fog, the grey. Because in the darkness you have to press into God and are almost forced to grow. It's a make it or break it kind of thing. But in the grey, in the fog, you're just at this awkward stand still and can't see where you are going- or if you are even moving.
I don't at all take back what I said two blog posts ago. I do think this searching thing seems to be the cool thing these days, but I have entered into conversation with people that are searching. The people or person I have gotten to talk to are genuine in their search. And there are questions that I have too- though I don't think I am "searching"; maybe seeking? I don't know- which I guess is my point.
There is a lot of grey fog closing in like a disease. It's frightening. There are things that I would have argued last year that I don't know about anymore. And here is where faith comes in.
Faith that even though I don't know something or she doesn't know or he doesn't know or we all disagree, Jesus wants to have a personal relationship with all of us. And we can all have that relationship even in our disagreements.
Faith that God is way bigger than anything I can understand.
Faith that my friends lives are in God's hands and that it is not my responsibility to point them to the "right" answer-but just to love them and walk with them.
Faith that being single for twenty years is a good thing.
Faith that my dad and grandpa won't hate me for coming back from college with more "liberal" ideas.
Faith that my faith is greater than the grey and that it does not hurt my ability to love people the way Jesus loves them.

I wrote this poem in chapel last week. I think it was after Mary Karr spoke. (if you haven't heard about that chapel it's another story in itself. A good one though I think)

In desperation I run to the table
This "uninvited grey" is closing in
I don't want to be that sheep that's gone astray
This fog seems to always come at this age.

Those children declare with such confidence
They have no idea how hard this is-
To keep the faith, to know true love
Figuring out what it means to be "His"*

But then You pour out this water fall of love
I'm overwhelmed-not knowing what to do-
You hold my hand, whisper in my ear,
How could I ever question salvation?

She feels inadequate- abandoned
All she wants is her father-daughter dance
And there she is- dancing in love with You.
This is what You do for Your children, God.

Whoever said following You was easy
Never tried to follow. But loving you?
Well that's different. I'll always love you Lord
But when will your voice speak clearly?
Oh how I miss black and white so dearly.


* for those of you that are gender inclusive aware or whatever- I thought about changing it, but it fit better rhyming with is and it is language used in some of the Church still.

Typical occurances of a Lit major.

I was forced to write a poem for a class. It was supposed to be about something ugly written about beautifully...or something like that. Doesn't quite fit the prompt, but this is what came out.

Indecisiveness

This sickness that spreads her fingers over your heart
Threatens to tear your life and love apart.
Ever changing, ever seeking, always
Hurting, purging, raging and frustrating.

This passionate yet misplaced cry muffles
The sound of love, joy, peace- replaced with struggles,
Tears and turmoil. The beauty of passion
Lost in your hearts indecisiveness.

the return to life love and sunshine--and lessons on being cool.

Two weeks of being back in school and San Diego have gone by and I decided I'm going to continue to write on this thing. My blog is entitled "The Distance Is What You Make It" and there is always going to be a difference between me and someone I love so I figure it always applies.

Coming back to Loma has been a great experience. I love my friends and I love my hall. I am rooming with my friend Laurel who replaced an RA on a hall full of freshman. But really, we couldn't have gotten a hall of better girls. They are the best. I've also been going to Crossfit Socal, which is about 15 minutes away from Point Loma and it has been great as well. Everyone is so kind and encouraging. Yes, I am sore all the time, but it's crossfit so that is to be expected. They have written on one of their boards at the top "Learn to love pain. This is gonna suck." So funny and so true.

But there are some things I'm starting to realize that bother me. Since when did it become cool to be more "searching" than believing? I'm not saying that it is bad to doubt. Everyone doubts, God is alright with you doubting. But I feel like all the "cool" "hipster" kids are all for social justice and being passionate, but seemed to have lost where God fits into that. When did it become awkwardly cliché to tell someone you'll pray for them? I think it was Jared at youth group last Tuesday that sad we need to be careful to not let our passion become more about that cause than about God. I feel like the hipster flag is "So much injustice in the world that we are going to scream and rail against it, but forget why and instead drink and smoke on our down time."

There is also a theme with everyone that studied abroad last semester- excluding those that went to London. It's I was rebellious and cool because I drank and saw more culture than everyone else in (insert country) and so I shall be rebellious and cool here by doing the same things. Maybe it's because the London group had rules and were together that we didn't end up that way, and if that's the case I think I am actually grateful to Ronda and Carl then.

Needless to say, we're Christians. So let's stop trying to be cool and love Jesus. Not the "Jesus" that we've created in our heads. Not the one like Franny Glass makes - one that is Jesus, Francis of Asisi all mixed together leaving out the Jesus that knocked all the temple tables over. But the one that, yes is controversial and challenging and passionate, but at the end of the day PRAYS to the Father. The Jesus that is in constant prayer for others and for himself.

Today, Pastor Dee Kelly of San Diego First Church of the Nazarene said that as Christians our call is to live in the realm of Christ's teaching, preaching and healing. That we are to teach and be taught through our experiences with God. This is why we go to church: to come together to teach and be taught.

Forgive me for this update turned rant. But I do hope if you are struggling with the task of being cool that you will take this as a challenge and not be cool.