I have to write my testimony for two things now. I'm not sure I ever said that I had to write it in the first place on this so that sentence doesn't make that much sense. But I have to write it for two things now. 1 First and foremost...Loveworks. I was supposed to write it like a month ago. Which I kind of did, but never turned it in so I think I'll just redo/update it. 2 I'm applying to be a camp counselor for jr high camp. wahoo!
Anyways I like writing reflectively the best on this thing. I don't know why. So I guess I need to talk about where I'm at now, spiritually. Physically, I'm at home in bed, just having woken up from a nap- typical.
This last semester went by quickly slow. I could not wait for it to get over, but I guess, towards the end, it started to turn around because there are some aspects of SD that I really miss. Dream time at Pastor Dee's house and helping out with high school youth group and hanging out with Wendy Kessler being three. And those three are the big three that kind of turned my semester around.
Like I've talked about, I was in a bit of a fog this semester. There were questions that came up that I thought I knew the answer to and now I don't. And once I became relatively ok with not knowing the answer to one thing, or having faith in a certain situation, something else came up. I had a bit of an identity crisis. At Point Loma it felt like everyone had these huge plans to save the world. Someone was going to Uganda, another wants to be a missionary, another wants to counsel women that have gotten out of sex trafficking. And here I am a literature major, loving what I am learning, but desperately wondering how I can make a difference in the world with my knowledge of when Charles Dickens wrote Hard Times. (1850).
I felt cheated by God. To be completely honest I was a little upset with Him. Why did he give me this desire to help people and then make me love a major that the only thing I can do is teach high school? Why was he surrounding me with people doing all these great things and giving me no direction as to where I was needed? It wasn't fair. I love people, I love culture, I love learning about them, I love stories. But I'm no counselor, I'm no social worker, and I'm no international studies Mother Theresa. I'm not even a journalist. So what am I?
As I was struggling with this I talked to one of my mentors, Wendy Kessler. She kind of put things in perspective for me a bit. She told me what of course I already "knew" but needed to hear: that it's a matter of the heart. If you have a servants heart, then where ever you are God can use you. I walked away from our coffee meeting that morning chewing on that and trying to keep that in mind. And then the next week at Church Pastor Dee said something that really encouraged me. He said "Don't stop reading, don't stop searching, don't stop believing because Jesus is doing something". So that's what I'm going to do. I am going to keep reading God's word, keep believing that he will open the doors to what He wants me to do with my life, and keep searching for what that is.
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