Faith in the fog.

People talk about how it is difficult to have faith in darkness- when you are going through a hard time, your heart has been broken etc. And I agree it is. But I would argue that it is harder to have faith in the fog, the grey. Because in the darkness you have to press into God and are almost forced to grow. It's a make it or break it kind of thing. But in the grey, in the fog, you're just at this awkward stand still and can't see where you are going- or if you are even moving.
I don't at all take back what I said two blog posts ago. I do think this searching thing seems to be the cool thing these days, but I have entered into conversation with people that are searching. The people or person I have gotten to talk to are genuine in their search. And there are questions that I have too- though I don't think I am "searching"; maybe seeking? I don't know- which I guess is my point.
There is a lot of grey fog closing in like a disease. It's frightening. There are things that I would have argued last year that I don't know about anymore. And here is where faith comes in.
Faith that even though I don't know something or she doesn't know or he doesn't know or we all disagree, Jesus wants to have a personal relationship with all of us. And we can all have that relationship even in our disagreements.
Faith that God is way bigger than anything I can understand.
Faith that my friends lives are in God's hands and that it is not my responsibility to point them to the "right" answer-but just to love them and walk with them.
Faith that being single for twenty years is a good thing.
Faith that my dad and grandpa won't hate me for coming back from college with more "liberal" ideas.
Faith that my faith is greater than the grey and that it does not hurt my ability to love people the way Jesus loves them.

I wrote this poem in chapel last week. I think it was after Mary Karr spoke. (if you haven't heard about that chapel it's another story in itself. A good one though I think)

In desperation I run to the table
This "uninvited grey" is closing in
I don't want to be that sheep that's gone astray
This fog seems to always come at this age.

Those children declare with such confidence
They have no idea how hard this is-
To keep the faith, to know true love
Figuring out what it means to be "His"*

But then You pour out this water fall of love
I'm overwhelmed-not knowing what to do-
You hold my hand, whisper in my ear,
How could I ever question salvation?

She feels inadequate- abandoned
All she wants is her father-daughter dance
And there she is- dancing in love with You.
This is what You do for Your children, God.

Whoever said following You was easy
Never tried to follow. But loving you?
Well that's different. I'll always love you Lord
But when will your voice speak clearly?
Oh how I miss black and white so dearly.


* for those of you that are gender inclusive aware or whatever- I thought about changing it, but it fit better rhyming with is and it is language used in some of the Church still.