mewithoutYou loves Rumi

There are so many things going on this week and so many things that could be said. But because I can not tweet there is something that I want to share, but can't think of any one who cares enough to share it with.
I've been reading poetry from Rumi for my world drama and poetry class and I found a poem that said "I need more grace than I thought" and I was like huh, that's a line in a mewithoutYou song. Then as I was reading more I saw a poem that said "I am so small. I can barely be seen. How can this great love be inside of me? Look at your eyes. They are small, but they see enormous things."
That is one of my favorite mewithoutYou lines ever. They took it from Rumi. This makes me want to go talk to them about Rumi and how cool some of his poems are.
Anyways- that was the point. mewithoutYou loves Rumi and loves to quote him and I feel really smart for knowing that.
Not being able to tweet that almost killed me.

I think I have ADD

So I am trying to write this analysis on Hard Times by Charles Dickens, but usually when writing papers I write for a bit, then go look on Facebook for a distraction. Well I gave that up for Lent along with Twitter- so because I can't stand to look at my paper for more then ten minutes, I'm going to go back and forth between it and this.

I got back from spring break last night at 11pm. I hate that long drive, but if it must be done at least it was done with three other friends. But that's not what I was thinking as I was getting ready for bed last night.
It went more like: I have so much crap to do. I'm so tired. I want to go back home. I hate school. I wish I wouldn't have wasted my whole day in a car.
But there were benefits in my staying so long in Oroville. Dennis' sermon was a big one. He talked about having questions that we can't find the answer to and having faith. Sound familiar? Well it does to me- seeing that the question of faith has been a big one lately. He even used the same verse I used while giving my testimony during half time at a couple Upward games. Hebrews 11:1- Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you can not see.
Dennis ended with pointing out that we need to desire God more than the answers. God can see the answer to the problem that we are facing- and it takes faith to focus on Him instead.

This morning I had a hard time getting up- like most mornings. But because I couldn't get distracted with Facebook, I was able to have some devo time. God convicted me of searching for answers by asking every wise person I know, but not spending time with Him in the Word. I still think it's good to ask people who are farther along the road then you and reading Christian books, but when it comes down to it- I need to spend time with God: the one that actually knows the answer. Simple, but easy to forget.

On an encouraging note- I got a bunch of donations for my Loveworks trip in the mail. I cannot express how blessed I am to live in such a generous family and Church family. I am amazed and know not what to say. (that's a line from a movie- I don't talk like that).

And so my paper is finished and so am I. I had an amazing spring break and really do wish I could go back, but I'm here and going to make the best of it by spending time with God.

Epiphany.

I drop things. I lose things. I forget things. Constantly.
Jesus never drops, loses or forgets me. Ever.
That's big.
That's Love.
That's God.


May you find peace and rest in that beautiful truth. Amen.

Faith in the fog.

People talk about how it is difficult to have faith in darkness- when you are going through a hard time, your heart has been broken etc. And I agree it is. But I would argue that it is harder to have faith in the fog, the grey. Because in the darkness you have to press into God and are almost forced to grow. It's a make it or break it kind of thing. But in the grey, in the fog, you're just at this awkward stand still and can't see where you are going- or if you are even moving.
I don't at all take back what I said two blog posts ago. I do think this searching thing seems to be the cool thing these days, but I have entered into conversation with people that are searching. The people or person I have gotten to talk to are genuine in their search. And there are questions that I have too- though I don't think I am "searching"; maybe seeking? I don't know- which I guess is my point.
There is a lot of grey fog closing in like a disease. It's frightening. There are things that I would have argued last year that I don't know about anymore. And here is where faith comes in.
Faith that even though I don't know something or she doesn't know or he doesn't know or we all disagree, Jesus wants to have a personal relationship with all of us. And we can all have that relationship even in our disagreements.
Faith that God is way bigger than anything I can understand.
Faith that my friends lives are in God's hands and that it is not my responsibility to point them to the "right" answer-but just to love them and walk with them.
Faith that being single for twenty years is a good thing.
Faith that my dad and grandpa won't hate me for coming back from college with more "liberal" ideas.
Faith that my faith is greater than the grey and that it does not hurt my ability to love people the way Jesus loves them.

I wrote this poem in chapel last week. I think it was after Mary Karr spoke. (if you haven't heard about that chapel it's another story in itself. A good one though I think)

In desperation I run to the table
This "uninvited grey" is closing in
I don't want to be that sheep that's gone astray
This fog seems to always come at this age.

Those children declare with such confidence
They have no idea how hard this is-
To keep the faith, to know true love
Figuring out what it means to be "His"*

But then You pour out this water fall of love
I'm overwhelmed-not knowing what to do-
You hold my hand, whisper in my ear,
How could I ever question salvation?

She feels inadequate- abandoned
All she wants is her father-daughter dance
And there she is- dancing in love with You.
This is what You do for Your children, God.

Whoever said following You was easy
Never tried to follow. But loving you?
Well that's different. I'll always love you Lord
But when will your voice speak clearly?
Oh how I miss black and white so dearly.


* for those of you that are gender inclusive aware or whatever- I thought about changing it, but it fit better rhyming with is and it is language used in some of the Church still.

Typical occurances of a Lit major.

I was forced to write a poem for a class. It was supposed to be about something ugly written about beautifully...or something like that. Doesn't quite fit the prompt, but this is what came out.

Indecisiveness

This sickness that spreads her fingers over your heart
Threatens to tear your life and love apart.
Ever changing, ever seeking, always
Hurting, purging, raging and frustrating.

This passionate yet misplaced cry muffles
The sound of love, joy, peace- replaced with struggles,
Tears and turmoil. The beauty of passion
Lost in your hearts indecisiveness.

the return to life love and sunshine--and lessons on being cool.

Two weeks of being back in school and San Diego have gone by and I decided I'm going to continue to write on this thing. My blog is entitled "The Distance Is What You Make It" and there is always going to be a difference between me and someone I love so I figure it always applies.

Coming back to Loma has been a great experience. I love my friends and I love my hall. I am rooming with my friend Laurel who replaced an RA on a hall full of freshman. But really, we couldn't have gotten a hall of better girls. They are the best. I've also been going to Crossfit Socal, which is about 15 minutes away from Point Loma and it has been great as well. Everyone is so kind and encouraging. Yes, I am sore all the time, but it's crossfit so that is to be expected. They have written on one of their boards at the top "Learn to love pain. This is gonna suck." So funny and so true.

But there are some things I'm starting to realize that bother me. Since when did it become cool to be more "searching" than believing? I'm not saying that it is bad to doubt. Everyone doubts, God is alright with you doubting. But I feel like all the "cool" "hipster" kids are all for social justice and being passionate, but seemed to have lost where God fits into that. When did it become awkwardly cliché to tell someone you'll pray for them? I think it was Jared at youth group last Tuesday that sad we need to be careful to not let our passion become more about that cause than about God. I feel like the hipster flag is "So much injustice in the world that we are going to scream and rail against it, but forget why and instead drink and smoke on our down time."

There is also a theme with everyone that studied abroad last semester- excluding those that went to London. It's I was rebellious and cool because I drank and saw more culture than everyone else in (insert country) and so I shall be rebellious and cool here by doing the same things. Maybe it's because the London group had rules and were together that we didn't end up that way, and if that's the case I think I am actually grateful to Ronda and Carl then.

Needless to say, we're Christians. So let's stop trying to be cool and love Jesus. Not the "Jesus" that we've created in our heads. Not the one like Franny Glass makes - one that is Jesus, Francis of Asisi all mixed together leaving out the Jesus that knocked all the temple tables over. But the one that, yes is controversial and challenging and passionate, but at the end of the day PRAYS to the Father. The Jesus that is in constant prayer for others and for himself.

Today, Pastor Dee Kelly of San Diego First Church of the Nazarene said that as Christians our call is to live in the realm of Christ's teaching, preaching and healing. That we are to teach and be taught through our experiences with God. This is why we go to church: to come together to teach and be taught.

Forgive me for this update turned rant. But I do hope if you are struggling with the task of being cool that you will take this as a challenge and not be cool.

Back home. Let's recap.

After our fun times in Paris we came back got to work and then had some more fun.

We went to the premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1!!!

Where it rained while we waited.

But we got to see the beautiful Tom Felton aka Draco Malfoy (yes that's my hair...yes he is signing my journal)

Emma Watson aka Hermione Granger

Rupert Grint aka Ron Weasley.

and Matthew Lewis aka Neville Longbottom.

We went on the London Eye and saw the beautiful rainy, rainy London

and we had good times.

And it was Charity's birthday. So we sang to her on the Eye :)

Then we went to a dinner at Hatfield House, where Elizabeth I grew up.

Then I have no picture for finals week and our final nights in London. Let me just say we had a goooood time and we will never forget our experiences these past four months.

So we leave you London, satisfied but sad to go.
It is now time to relax in Oroville for about 7 weeks. Maybe have some adventures, but mostly love and be loved by some of the best people.