What's To Come

So I'm finally home from my Loveworks trip to Ukraine. It was an amazing experience and will take more than one blog post to do it justice. The first couple days I wrote journal entries that I will rewrite on here and then I wrote one in Germany as well. After those I think I'll just sum up some of the things I'm processing now. So much to process as I get back to my life at home and then go to school. But for my three occasional readers (one being my mother) this for you to know what will be posted in the next couple days.

"The Notion of Divine Control"

I leave for Ukraine Monday morning. First I head down to SD tomorrow morning to meet up with everyone. The Haiti team from Oroville Church of the Nazarene leaves tomorrow as well. Most people who will read this know Amy Hayse and all that is going on and I'm sure a lot of the people going to Haiti are hesitant to leave while she is still in the hospital. At least that's how I feel. I know that I don't make a difference at all, but it's a scary situation and being so far away, not being updated on what's going on is going to suck.
This morning I read an entry from My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers called "The Notion of Divine Control" and I want to share it. It is perfect. I should really stop being amazed when God gives me stuff like this because of course he would. But I'm still amazed every time. So I'm just going to copy it word for word because Chambers puts it in a way that I can't.

"The Notion of Divine Control"
"How much mores shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask Him?" Matthew 7:11

Jesus is laying down rules of conduct for those who have his Spirit By the simple argument of these verses He urges us to keep our minds filled with the notion of God's control behind everything, which means that the disciple must maintain an attitude of perfect trust and an eagerness to ask and to seek.
Notion your mind with the idea that God is there. If once the mind is notioned along that line, then when you are in difficulties it is as easy as breathing to remember- Why my Father knows all about it! It is not an effort, it comes naturally when perplexities press. Before, you used to go to this person and, that but now the notion of the Divine control is forming so powerfully in you that you go to God about it. Jesus is laying down the rules of conduct for those who have His Spirit, and it workds on this principle -- God is my Father, He loves me, I shall never think of anything He will forget, why should I worry?
There are times, says Jesus, when God cannot lift the darkness from you, but trust Him. God will appear lie an unkind friend, but He is not; He will appear like an unnatural Father, but He is not; He will appear like an unjust judge, but He is not. Keep the notion of the mind of God behind all things strong and growing. Nothing happens in any particular unless God's will is behind it, therefore you can rest in perfect confidence in Him. Prayers is not only asking, but an attitude of mind which produces the atmosphere in which asking is perfectly natural. "Ask, and it shall be given to you"


Perfect for me this morning. Perfect for the situation around me. Perfect for life. God is so good and knows exactly what we need to hear.

This has been a long time coming

I have to write my testimony for two things now. I'm not sure I ever said that I had to write it in the first place on this so that sentence doesn't make that much sense. But I have to write it for two things now. 1 First and foremost...Loveworks. I was supposed to write it like a month ago. Which I kind of did, but never turned it in so I think I'll just redo/update it. 2 I'm applying to be a camp counselor for jr high camp. wahoo!
Anyways I like writing reflectively the best on this thing. I don't know why. So I guess I need to talk about where I'm at now, spiritually. Physically, I'm at home in bed, just having woken up from a nap- typical.

This last semester went by quickly slow. I could not wait for it to get over, but I guess, towards the end, it started to turn around because there are some aspects of SD that I really miss. Dream time at Pastor Dee's house and helping out with high school youth group and hanging out with Wendy Kessler being three. And those three are the big three that kind of turned my semester around.

Like I've talked about, I was in a bit of a fog this semester. There were questions that came up that I thought I knew the answer to and now I don't. And once I became relatively ok with not knowing the answer to one thing, or having faith in a certain situation, something else came up. I had a bit of an identity crisis. At Point Loma it felt like everyone had these huge plans to save the world. Someone was going to Uganda, another wants to be a missionary, another wants to counsel women that have gotten out of sex trafficking. And here I am a literature major, loving what I am learning, but desperately wondering how I can make a difference in the world with my knowledge of when Charles Dickens wrote Hard Times. (1850).
I felt cheated by God. To be completely honest I was a little upset with Him. Why did he give me this desire to help people and then make me love a major that the only thing I can do is teach high school? Why was he surrounding me with people doing all these great things and giving me no direction as to where I was needed? It wasn't fair. I love people, I love culture, I love learning about them, I love stories. But I'm no counselor, I'm no social worker, and I'm no international studies Mother Theresa. I'm not even a journalist. So what am I?
As I was struggling with this I talked to one of my mentors, Wendy Kessler. She kind of put things in perspective for me a bit. She told me what of course I already "knew" but needed to hear: that it's a matter of the heart. If you have a servants heart, then where ever you are God can use you. I walked away from our coffee meeting that morning chewing on that and trying to keep that in mind. And then the next week at Church Pastor Dee said something that really encouraged me. He said "Don't stop reading, don't stop searching, don't stop believing because Jesus is doing something". So that's what I'm going to do. I am going to keep reading God's word, keep believing that he will open the doors to what He wants me to do with my life, and keep searching for what that is.

another assignment.

Again, I don't know how well this fits the genre (supposed to be surrealism), but this is what came. It kind of reminds me of Rumi. Maybe just because I wrote "And I am so small"-- he writes "I am so small, I can barely be seen".

As I come to the table
I find that I am unable.
The legs are too tall
And I am so small.

In solitude I call out.
Thinking no one will hear my shout.
I am picked up
and I can take the cup.

mewithoutYou loves Rumi

There are so many things going on this week and so many things that could be said. But because I can not tweet there is something that I want to share, but can't think of any one who cares enough to share it with.
I've been reading poetry from Rumi for my world drama and poetry class and I found a poem that said "I need more grace than I thought" and I was like huh, that's a line in a mewithoutYou song. Then as I was reading more I saw a poem that said "I am so small. I can barely be seen. How can this great love be inside of me? Look at your eyes. They are small, but they see enormous things."
That is one of my favorite mewithoutYou lines ever. They took it from Rumi. This makes me want to go talk to them about Rumi and how cool some of his poems are.
Anyways- that was the point. mewithoutYou loves Rumi and loves to quote him and I feel really smart for knowing that.
Not being able to tweet that almost killed me.

I think I have ADD

So I am trying to write this analysis on Hard Times by Charles Dickens, but usually when writing papers I write for a bit, then go look on Facebook for a distraction. Well I gave that up for Lent along with Twitter- so because I can't stand to look at my paper for more then ten minutes, I'm going to go back and forth between it and this.

I got back from spring break last night at 11pm. I hate that long drive, but if it must be done at least it was done with three other friends. But that's not what I was thinking as I was getting ready for bed last night.
It went more like: I have so much crap to do. I'm so tired. I want to go back home. I hate school. I wish I wouldn't have wasted my whole day in a car.
But there were benefits in my staying so long in Oroville. Dennis' sermon was a big one. He talked about having questions that we can't find the answer to and having faith. Sound familiar? Well it does to me- seeing that the question of faith has been a big one lately. He even used the same verse I used while giving my testimony during half time at a couple Upward games. Hebrews 11:1- Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you can not see.
Dennis ended with pointing out that we need to desire God more than the answers. God can see the answer to the problem that we are facing- and it takes faith to focus on Him instead.

This morning I had a hard time getting up- like most mornings. But because I couldn't get distracted with Facebook, I was able to have some devo time. God convicted me of searching for answers by asking every wise person I know, but not spending time with Him in the Word. I still think it's good to ask people who are farther along the road then you and reading Christian books, but when it comes down to it- I need to spend time with God: the one that actually knows the answer. Simple, but easy to forget.

On an encouraging note- I got a bunch of donations for my Loveworks trip in the mail. I cannot express how blessed I am to live in such a generous family and Church family. I am amazed and know not what to say. (that's a line from a movie- I don't talk like that).

And so my paper is finished and so am I. I had an amazing spring break and really do wish I could go back, but I'm here and going to make the best of it by spending time with God.

Epiphany.

I drop things. I lose things. I forget things. Constantly.
Jesus never drops, loses or forgets me. Ever.
That's big.
That's Love.
That's God.


May you find peace and rest in that beautiful truth. Amen.