So this is the new year...

2012. Twenty Twelve (just in case you said "two thousand and twelve" in your head). I decided that next New Years Eve I want to have some kind of "Suck it Mayans" party or maybe just Mayan themed? Or we can just all yell "suck it" instead of Happy New Year...or "we hate you Nicholas Cage"..wasn't he in that 2012 movie? I never saw it, but it looked dumb - a sure sign Nicholas Cage was in it.

Anyways,last semester was insanely busy and though 2011 had some great moments, it's time to move on. Saturday, the youth pastor from my home church, Kurt, had a bunch of the college kids come over for pancakes and coffee and we had our 2nd annual resolve breakfast. It gave us time to reflect on the hopes and expectations we had for 2011, where we are now, and where we want to be in the next year.

I didn't remember exactly what I said last year, but I made a few guesses. I assume I was worried about my Loveworks team/ trip - that hope was surpassed for sure. I think I said I wanted to get a mentor down in SD - another hope greatly met and surpassed; I started meeting with Wendy Kessler in February of last year. And then I assumed I wrote the cliché every year request: grow in my relationship with God.(clarification: cliché for a church kid born and raised)

And that's the one that got me. Be careful what you wish for is the saying. Well, I think I have grown in my faith, but it has been painful. Spring semester last year was one of searching and clinging to what little understanding and faith I had. (I have multiple posts from that time if you want a refresher). I haven't written a lot this semester because as I said, it's been crazy busy. But it's been tough. It seems as though the list of hurting people around me just keeps getting longer.
It started with Amy this summer.
Then a few weeks into school, my roommate's mom died.
The list goes on, but as I'm not sure who ends up reading this I'm going to refrain from sharing.
I really like strengths quest and if you don't know what it is, you should really look into it. My number one strength is restorative, meaning I want to fix things. It looks different for different people, but for me it's people and their problems. I want to help so badly, but everything that has come up this semester are things that I can't seem to touch. I can do nothing for my roommate. It's a long story, but we barely knew each other before we roomed together. And I know her better now, but when her mom passed, we had had about one good conversation. And I know that even if we were closer sooner I still couldn't relieve her of that pain, but it doesn't mean I didn't/ don't want to.
And there are more examples of surrounding pain, but I guess the point is that part of me didn't want to put "grow in my relationship with God" on my resolution list this year. Because it effing hurts. But I also know that I'm not done growing and the fact that it still hurts so bad is because I'm working through stuff right now. I need to look at the bigger picture of how God is working and can work in others lives and how God can use me in that, but not become so overwhelmed and discouraged with it.

In a quick plug for having a mentor: I would not have seen any proof of God's work in my life had Wendy not pointed it out. I asked Wendy and others to pray that I would know how to act/ what to do/ what not to do when Tori's mom died. Wendy asked me how Tori was doing and how our relationship was before I left for Christmas. I told her that I feel like we have gotten closer and that I'm glad I can be a person outside her regular group of friends that she can talk to when she needs to. As I told her that Wendy pointed out that that's an answered prayer. I didn't know what to be to Tori and now we have a pretty good friend/roommate relationship.
I know that's pretty little, but after feeling like nothing good is happening, nothing is getting better and I can do nothing about it; realizing how God is faithful in even the small things, is a pretty big deal.

And that's where I'm at. The end of 2011 and that's where I'm picking up. I am working on trusting God and noticing the small amazing ways he shows me his faithfulness and praising him in the midst of all of this. There's my resolution for 2012. That and to figure out some sort of plan for my future, but that's another thing to work through for another time.

So this is the new year...and I feel pretty different.