A Student's Ability to Self Reflect

I am naturally a reflective person. I think about things; often I think about things too much. But I also think about implications- the implications of my actions, of their living situation, of their actions toward me, etc. This is why I love literature. I love thinking about the characters, their actions, their relationships, how their past effects them. Not only is this now how all people think naturally, but even more so, when it gets personal, it's often painful. And people refuse to think in such a way. I often take for granted that this is not how every one else thinks. And every so often there are moments when I am reminded of this.
For example, I was reminded of this when reading some of the 9th grade regular placement English class self narratives before Thanksgiving break. Before anything else, I think this is a great assignment. Part of a literature class is to teach students how to think reflectively. And teachers learn a lot about a student when the assignment is to talk about a defining moment of their life. It gives the students a little more context; it helps the teachers understand where they're coming from. For me at least, this context gives me more room for compassion toward them. But going back to not wanting to think reflectively, I came across such a case when reading a certain students' narrative. It was hardly a narrative. It was hand written, one page front and back. There was no theme. He told of no defining moment. He told of no lessons learned. It was more of a description of his family situation. He lives with his grandma, and recently his grandfather died. I wanted to go back in time and take him aside and say "There! That can be your moment!" when I read the sentence about his grandfather's death. But he skipped over it, and went on to say that he is still grateful for the people in his life that have been family to him. It was like he started to go into a touchy subject and pulled out of it before he could dwell on it. I showed it to the student teacher, Gina, after class. She glanced and pointed out his title that he had erased, but still showed: "What Family."
I can't get this kid out of my mind. He is awful in class. He lies about finishing assignments, brags to his peers about not doing his reading, and does not stop talking to and distracting the students around him. When they were returning their Frederick Douglas books to the library, I heard him turn to the kid next to him and say "Didn't read a page" in a bragging, cocky voice that only a high school boy can pull off. I have thought to myself, "Wow, he is the type of student I dread having." And then I read his paper: a paper that deserves an F. But it all makes a little more sense. He is a happy kid; and if he stops talking, if he stops to read something sad, if he stops to think about anything serious, he has to think about his own life. The title "What family" comes in his mind, and he quickly erases it. I can almost hear him saying to himself, "Yeah, but I'm fine. I have other people. I'm fine," like he is trying to convince himself of something he does not actually believe. And as I think about this student, I think what am I going to do with students like this? Students who refuse to stop because it's too much. English is subject that requires a lot of reflection. I want my students to learn how to reflect on their own lives as well as the lives of others. I want them to learn how to be compassionate. But I can't force them to do that. Giving him an F isn't going to force him to come to terms with the absence of family that he goes home to. Maybe I'm thinking too deeply into this. Maybe living with his grandma is actually really great, and his is just naturally a punk kid. But I have a harder time accepting that. Like I said, I can't get him out of my mind. So much so that he made it on to my prayer canvas in my room. I don't even know the names 90% of the students in his class, but his name made it specifically in my prayers. There is really nothing else I can do for him. I think I am going to talk to Chris about him this week and ask how she deals with students like him. Because if I take students home with me like this, I'm going to have a really overwhelming teaching experience.

Taking the Initiative

So there have been a few reoccurring themes happening since I have moved back up to Northern California, and this one relates to teaching the most I think. It's my need to take initiative. I just need to do. If I want to do more in the classroom I observe in, I need to do it. Chris leaves the door wide open for me to be involved and welcomes it when I am. But she can only do so much for me. I need to speak up. I need to get involved. I had to take roll the other day in the film class, and I tried to hand it off to one of the senior boys. He said no, I should do it. His friend said "You're the adult in here. We believe in you." The last comment was funny and nice, but also a weird moment. I worked for the YMCA in their before and after school program down in San Diego, and I just got hired to do the same thing for CARD (Chico area recreation and park district). In that setting, it is obvious that I am the adult. Though I am seeing in this new position with CARD that I need to take more initiative with the kids instead of seeing what the other staff does. But still, again, I am obviously the adult compared to the K-6th graders. In a classroom with senior boys and girls who are all taller than me and half of them look my age, I am still the adult. I know that when I am forced in a situation, I can take initiative. But I think an area that I need to grow is being able to take charge even when there are other people there that are able. I shouldn't always wait for someone else to take control.
This concept of taking initiative, of being bold really, will play out into much more of my life than teaching. But it will definitely make me a better teacher. It will give me the centered aspect that multiple of my books this semester have said a teacher needs to have. I think this new job with CARD and my continued observation hours will give me more opportunities to practice this before I start my student teaching next semester.