I've been obsessed with identity these days. It's the theme I find in all the books I'm reading because if I'm searching for my identity then the characters I'm reading about are too. Obviously.
Coming into senior I said, I don't want to graduate. ever. Now I'm saying I'm so tired. I just want to be done. But I can't. I want to say DGAF like most other seniors around me, but here's the problem: I do give a F****.
My favorite professor told me the other day that I can write B+ papers in my sleep, but I need to push myself to write an A paper. I need to write something significant.
My favorite professor, in the nicest way possible, told me what I write is insignificant. Of course he was saying that I have the potential to do better, that he knows I'm busy, but he also knows I can get As. It's a good push and I'm grateful for him and for that. But at the same time, it poked a hole in my academic self esteem. So much so that when my least favorite professor gave me my like fifth straight B on a paper, I had a minor breakdown in my friend, Ian's, office. Luckily he made it out in time before the water works came.
If I'm not good at academics, what am I?
I was at a party the other weekend and a friend offered me a cigarette. When I said no, he joked and said that he wouldn't offer it to anyone else, just me. He wouldn't offer it to Erin, she's too pure. He wouldn't want to ruin her pureness. But not me, he would offer it to me.
If I'm not pure, what am I?
I have come to realize that when things that I hold true about myself begin to be questioned, I can't handle it. In this search for what the hell I'm going to do with my life when I get out of this place, a small shake in what I thought was sound, is a bigger deal than it should be.
But in all of this, I'm lucky to have people around me who love God. I meet with a woman named, Wendy Kessler, every week and she has been talking about how in situations where we can't see hope or can't see how things are going to work out, she asks God to give her a glimpse of how He is working. I'm not that good at seeing the glimpses yet, but luckily for me as I share my life with Wendy, she is able to point them out to me.
May we be a people that look for and live off glimpses of God in the world around us.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Explanatory story.
Last week we had to write a story in which a character has a thing that they are good at and we have to explain with out telling, how they became good at said thing. I got my story back today from my professor and he loved it. It was supposed to be around 250 words. I'm so happy that I have to post it. It's a pretty sad story, but I'm excited to explore this character further.
Here it is. There's no title. Forgive any offensive language. This is rated PG 13.
“Doesn’t your dad work there?”
“No.”
Thirty six thousand six hundred and eighty two. I keep track of my lies. Otherwise, I ‘d start believing them myself. The surest way to get caught in a lie is to start mixing your story with your reality. My father taught me that.
He called my mother “Stephanie” when they were fucking. Her name is Catherine.
“How do you feel about your father’s infidelity, Julie?”
“It’s a bit cliché.”
One. I would now argue that that’s true, but I didn’t know what cliché meant back then. I had heard my aunt say it to my mother in a bitter tone and I thought it sounded clever.
“Cliché? You may be the first eleven year old I’ve heard use that word.”
“I’m also the first eleven year old with a cheating father that is not going to have daddy issues.”
Two. I head heard my mother tell my aunt that was the one thing she wasn’t going to be able to handle: “Julie having daddy issues.” I wasn’t one hundred percent sure what that meant at eleven either, but I made a decision right then and there that if it were to happen, my mother would never be able to tell.
And she hasn’t. No one has. I am a straight A student, involved in student government, and the star of my JV volleyball team. I am the perfect sixteen year old daughter.
The only person that could know is my coach Mr. Aldridge. But he’s too busy molesting me in the locker room.
“How do you feel about being sexually involved with your volleyball coach, Julie?”
“It’s a bit cliché.”
Here it is. There's no title. Forgive any offensive language. This is rated PG 13.
“Doesn’t your dad work there?”
“No.”
Thirty six thousand six hundred and eighty two. I keep track of my lies. Otherwise, I ‘d start believing them myself. The surest way to get caught in a lie is to start mixing your story with your reality. My father taught me that.
He called my mother “Stephanie” when they were fucking. Her name is Catherine.
“How do you feel about your father’s infidelity, Julie?”
“It’s a bit cliché.”
One. I would now argue that that’s true, but I didn’t know what cliché meant back then. I had heard my aunt say it to my mother in a bitter tone and I thought it sounded clever.
“Cliché? You may be the first eleven year old I’ve heard use that word.”
“I’m also the first eleven year old with a cheating father that is not going to have daddy issues.”
Two. I head heard my mother tell my aunt that was the one thing she wasn’t going to be able to handle: “Julie having daddy issues.” I wasn’t one hundred percent sure what that meant at eleven either, but I made a decision right then and there that if it were to happen, my mother would never be able to tell.
And she hasn’t. No one has. I am a straight A student, involved in student government, and the star of my JV volleyball team. I am the perfect sixteen year old daughter.
The only person that could know is my coach Mr. Aldridge. But he’s too busy molesting me in the locker room.
“How do you feel about being sexually involved with your volleyball coach, Julie?”
“It’s a bit cliché.”
Stories.
I'm in a creative writing fiction class this semester. So far, I love it. I have written some good things and some dumb things. I have decided to share the things that I'm proud of. Last week my friend published my double nickle story in the school paper. I felt pretty honored. A double nickle is a story that is 55 words. No more no less. Quite a challenge, and it definitely took me a few tries to get one that I really liked. So here it is:
One hundred dollars for groceries, for a family of four, for one month. My daughter reaches for the Lunchables. "Dad please?" But when we get to the check out, we're five dollars over. It's the Lunchables or the cigarettes. I look at my wife. She distracts our daughter while I ditch the Lunchables.
This was part of two other double nickles all of which I titled and turned in "People of Walmart." The others weren't that good. But I will post more stuff as time goes on - length and style depending on the assignment.
Hope you enjoy.
One hundred dollars for groceries, for a family of four, for one month. My daughter reaches for the Lunchables. "Dad please?" But when we get to the check out, we're five dollars over. It's the Lunchables or the cigarettes. I look at my wife. She distracts our daughter while I ditch the Lunchables.
This was part of two other double nickles all of which I titled and turned in "People of Walmart." The others weren't that good. But I will post more stuff as time goes on - length and style depending on the assignment.
Hope you enjoy.
Monday, January 2, 2012
So this is the new year...
2012. Twenty Twelve (just in case you said "two thousand and twelve" in your head). I decided that next New Years Eve I want to have some kind of "Suck it Mayans" party or maybe just Mayan themed? Or we can just all yell "suck it" instead of Happy New Year...or "we hate you Nicholas Cage"..wasn't he in that 2012 movie? I never saw it, but it looked dumb - a sure sign Nicholas Cage was in it.
Anyways,last semester was insanely busy and though 2011 had some great moments, it's time to move on. Saturday, the youth pastor from my home church, Kurt, had a bunch of the college kids come over for pancakes and coffee and we had our 2nd annual resolve breakfast. It gave us time to reflect on the hopes and expectations we had for 2011, where we are now, and where we want to be in the next year.
I didn't remember exactly what I said last year, but I made a few guesses. I assume I was worried about my Loveworks team/ trip - that hope was surpassed for sure. I think I said I wanted to get a mentor down in SD - another hope greatly met and surpassed; I started meeting with Wendy Kessler in February of last year. And then I assumed I wrote the cliché every year request: grow in my relationship with God.(clarification: cliché for a church kid born and raised)
And that's the one that got me. Be careful what you wish for is the saying. Well, I think I have grown in my faith, but it has been painful. Spring semester last year was one of searching and clinging to what little understanding and faith I had. (I have multiple posts from that time if you want a refresher). I haven't written a lot this semester because as I said, it's been crazy busy. But it's been tough. It seems as though the list of hurting people around me just keeps getting longer.
It started with Amy this summer.
Then a few weeks into school, my roommate's mom died.
The list goes on, but as I'm not sure who ends up reading this I'm going to refrain from sharing.
I really like strengths quest and if you don't know what it is, you should really look into it. My number one strength is restorative, meaning I want to fix things. It looks different for different people, but for me it's people and their problems. I want to help so badly, but everything that has come up this semester are things that I can't seem to touch. I can do nothing for my roommate. It's a long story, but we barely knew each other before we roomed together. And I know her better now, but when her mom passed, we had had about one good conversation. And I know that even if we were closer sooner I still couldn't relieve her of that pain, but it doesn't mean I didn't/ don't want to.
And there are more examples of surrounding pain, but I guess the point is that part of me didn't want to put "grow in my relationship with God" on my resolution list this year. Because it effing hurts. But I also know that I'm not done growing and the fact that it still hurts so bad is because I'm working through stuff right now. I need to look at the bigger picture of how God is working and can work in others lives and how God can use me in that, but not become so overwhelmed and discouraged with it.
In a quick plug for having a mentor: I would not have seen any proof of God's work in my life had Wendy not pointed it out. I asked Wendy and others to pray that I would know how to act/ what to do/ what not to do when Tori's mom died. Wendy asked me how Tori was doing and how our relationship was before I left for Christmas. I told her that I feel like we have gotten closer and that I'm glad I can be a person outside her regular group of friends that she can talk to when she needs to. As I told her that Wendy pointed out that that's an answered prayer. I didn't know what to be to Tori and now we have a pretty good friend/roommate relationship.
I know that's pretty little, but after feeling like nothing good is happening, nothing is getting better and I can do nothing about it; realizing how God is faithful in even the small things, is a pretty big deal.
And that's where I'm at. The end of 2011 and that's where I'm picking up. I am working on trusting God and noticing the small amazing ways he shows me his faithfulness and praising him in the midst of all of this. There's my resolution for 2012. That and to figure out some sort of plan for my future, but that's another thing to work through for another time.
So this is the new year...and I feel pretty different.
Anyways,last semester was insanely busy and though 2011 had some great moments, it's time to move on. Saturday, the youth pastor from my home church, Kurt, had a bunch of the college kids come over for pancakes and coffee and we had our 2nd annual resolve breakfast. It gave us time to reflect on the hopes and expectations we had for 2011, where we are now, and where we want to be in the next year.
I didn't remember exactly what I said last year, but I made a few guesses. I assume I was worried about my Loveworks team/ trip - that hope was surpassed for sure. I think I said I wanted to get a mentor down in SD - another hope greatly met and surpassed; I started meeting with Wendy Kessler in February of last year. And then I assumed I wrote the cliché every year request: grow in my relationship with God.(clarification: cliché for a church kid born and raised)
And that's the one that got me. Be careful what you wish for is the saying. Well, I think I have grown in my faith, but it has been painful. Spring semester last year was one of searching and clinging to what little understanding and faith I had. (I have multiple posts from that time if you want a refresher). I haven't written a lot this semester because as I said, it's been crazy busy. But it's been tough. It seems as though the list of hurting people around me just keeps getting longer.
It started with Amy this summer.
Then a few weeks into school, my roommate's mom died.
The list goes on, but as I'm not sure who ends up reading this I'm going to refrain from sharing.
I really like strengths quest and if you don't know what it is, you should really look into it. My number one strength is restorative, meaning I want to fix things. It looks different for different people, but for me it's people and their problems. I want to help so badly, but everything that has come up this semester are things that I can't seem to touch. I can do nothing for my roommate. It's a long story, but we barely knew each other before we roomed together. And I know her better now, but when her mom passed, we had had about one good conversation. And I know that even if we were closer sooner I still couldn't relieve her of that pain, but it doesn't mean I didn't/ don't want to.
And there are more examples of surrounding pain, but I guess the point is that part of me didn't want to put "grow in my relationship with God" on my resolution list this year. Because it effing hurts. But I also know that I'm not done growing and the fact that it still hurts so bad is because I'm working through stuff right now. I need to look at the bigger picture of how God is working and can work in others lives and how God can use me in that, but not become so overwhelmed and discouraged with it.
In a quick plug for having a mentor: I would not have seen any proof of God's work in my life had Wendy not pointed it out. I asked Wendy and others to pray that I would know how to act/ what to do/ what not to do when Tori's mom died. Wendy asked me how Tori was doing and how our relationship was before I left for Christmas. I told her that I feel like we have gotten closer and that I'm glad I can be a person outside her regular group of friends that she can talk to when she needs to. As I told her that Wendy pointed out that that's an answered prayer. I didn't know what to be to Tori and now we have a pretty good friend/roommate relationship.
I know that's pretty little, but after feeling like nothing good is happening, nothing is getting better and I can do nothing about it; realizing how God is faithful in even the small things, is a pretty big deal.
And that's where I'm at. The end of 2011 and that's where I'm picking up. I am working on trusting God and noticing the small amazing ways he shows me his faithfulness and praising him in the midst of all of this. There's my resolution for 2012. That and to figure out some sort of plan for my future, but that's another thing to work through for another time.
So this is the new year...and I feel pretty different.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)