I've been obsessed with identity these days. It's the theme I find in all the books I'm reading because if I'm searching for my identity then the characters I'm reading about are too. Obviously.
Coming into senior I said, I don't want to graduate. ever. Now I'm saying I'm so tired. I just want to be done. But I can't. I want to say DGAF like most other seniors around me, but here's the problem: I do give a F****.
My favorite professor told me the other day that I can write B+ papers in my sleep, but I need to push myself to write an A paper. I need to write something significant.
My favorite professor, in the nicest way possible, told me what I write is insignificant. Of course he was saying that I have the potential to do better, that he knows I'm busy, but he also knows I can get As. It's a good push and I'm grateful for him and for that. But at the same time, it poked a hole in my academic self esteem. So much so that when my least favorite professor gave me my like fifth straight B on a paper, I had a minor breakdown in my friend, Ian's, office. Luckily he made it out in time before the water works came.
If I'm not good at academics, what am I?
I was at a party the other weekend and a friend offered me a cigarette. When I said no, he joked and said that he wouldn't offer it to anyone else, just me. He wouldn't offer it to Erin, she's too pure. He wouldn't want to ruin her pureness. But not me, he would offer it to me.
If I'm not pure, what am I?
I have come to realize that when things that I hold true about myself begin to be questioned, I can't handle it. In this search for what the hell I'm going to do with my life when I get out of this place, a small shake in what I thought was sound, is a bigger deal than it should be.
But in all of this, I'm lucky to have people around me who love God. I meet with a woman named, Wendy Kessler, every week and she has been talking about how in situations where we can't see hope or can't see how things are going to work out, she asks God to give her a glimpse of how He is working. I'm not that good at seeing the glimpses yet, but luckily for me as I share my life with Wendy, she is able to point them out to me.
May we be a people that look for and live off glimpses of God in the world around us.
